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I'm a globe-trotter, a word-painter, a fundamentalism-survivor, a grace-explorer, a beauty-catcher, an espresso-drinker, an over-thinker, a life-embracer. I'm glad you're here. Want to know more?


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Meevaluation


The last couple of days were for holding my breath, playing the undercover researcher to my own life, and sometimes just hiding under the blankets for an hour or, um… four. Some days are just this way, and it’s probably due to a combination of late nights and early mornings and too much not enough coffee and hormones and the weather and any number of swiftly colliding circumstances, but in the murk of it, all I can reason is that I have finally, irrevocably failed at existence. (People who are not me would call it a bad day, shrug, and move on. To those people, I ask—Where is your commitment to suffering? I mean, really.)

The funk had been creeping up on me for a while—see here, here, here, aaaaand here—and my husband and I both agree that it’s time for some lifestyle reevaluation. The fact that we missed an episode of Sherlock to talk through this just goes to show how badly we need a change. More specifically, how badly I need a change. This year so far has looked nothing like I thought it would; my Ready, Set, Write! expectations were strangled by a months-long situation I couldn’t share about here, and I’ve been getting up each morning at the last possible minute without a glimmer of creative purpose.

Some mornings once the coffee is stirring my veins back to life, blog entries land decisively on my heart to be typed out in a heady glow. This compulsion to write is why I started blogging in the first place. It’s one of my favorite processes in all the world. But many other mornings, far too many, I stare at my computer screen trying to force sentences out of a thick silence and spiraling by the minute toward self-disgust. If I can’t conjure up the inspiration for a mere blog entry each day, how can I consider myself a blogger? And if I can’t hack it as a blogger, how can I even hope for the infinitely vaguer and cooler title of writer?

Here’s where the lifestyle reevaluation comes in. See, I have an idea of what is required of a successful blogger—a personal brand, dedicated networking, and frequent content that manages to be both familiar and engaging—and I chafe against all three points. I have no agenda for my blogging, and I honestly feel claustrophobic at the thought of limiting myself to one theme or niche. I’m just me, folks, and I write because I can’t not write, and I share that writing here because I can’t not share it. This blog is my community. However, I don’t think it was ever meant to be my career. All those mornings spent glaring at a blank “New Post” page should have clued me in long before now. This space here is a place for inspiration and outlet, an aviary for my thoughts, a personal lounge for kicking back and drinking in beauty. It’s not my nine to five.

Which means it’s high time I stop letting misdirected stress over branding and networking and commenting and posting schedules keep me from asking myself what projects I’m truly meant to pour my energy into for the second half of this year. Ergo, I’m going to be taking some much-needed time to figure myself out, starting in approximately eleven minutes when I hit the running trail and the horrible, agonizing pain of exercise stabs my stress level to death. I’m not abandoning this blog, never fear, but posting might be sparser than usual while I get reacquainted with me. Either that, or this space will soon be overrun with blurry snapshots of my navel and esoteric questions about the meaning of life. Either way, you’ve been warned.

~~~

How do you go about lifestyle reevaluations? Do you have any tips for ditching unnecessary stress and honing in on a direction that will bounce me out of bed with the sunrise? (Drink recommendations totally count.)

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brewed fresh at 12:30 PM | 5 comments
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5 comments

  1. lizardek  •  May 18, 2012 @ 2:53 PM

    As long as you WRITE, it’s all good. If we get to share some of it, so much the better. You are far from being just a blogger.

  2. rain  •  May 18, 2012 @ 3:24 PM

    we are such long lost twins.
    just: yes.

    i wish i had a place where you could come and just crash for as long as you need for some deep nurture and deep breaths.

  3. Melissa @ Permission to Live  •  May 18, 2012 @ 4:17 PM

    I feel like I am in that place of questioning too. Every day feels the same, and yet every day is so unique. I vasilate between waiting to be DONE cleaning up poop and wiping stickiness off of every surface in my house, to weeping over the realization that my kids are all going to grow up so fast. I want my life to be truly mine in every way it can be, so that I can look back without the regrets of having wasted so much time living the life others decided for me. I am just starting to scratch the surface of what that means, For me, the only thing that helps me so far is talking about it. And so I do. A lot. And I have a list of one-liners that are going to eventually turn into blog posts.

  4. Megsie  •  May 18, 2012 @ 6:01 PM

    First of all…I am sad that you are feeling so sad. I wish I could take that away from you.

    Secondly, I remember your post about a “brand” and I remember being a little bit scared that it wouldn’t be the same here. And I love it here.

    I hope that you keep writing somewhere, because you are such a talented writer. And selfishly…I want to read your words! xoxo

  5. Kate  •  May 21, 2012 @ 9:24 PM

    Love this little space of the Internet. And appreciate you, your gritty transparency and your courage to take a step forward.

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